"I love who you are"

wouldn't it be nice to hear that?

Saying I love you is nice and all, but saying ‘I love who you are’ is even better if you ask me.

Imagine how good you’d feel if someone said that to you. I reckon you’d absorb that a bit deeper than a plain old ‘I love you.’

If you think back to some of the nicest things people have ever said to you, my bet is that they’re specific. That they picked out something that is special about you and told you about it. And it made you feel 10 feet tall. It made you feel safer, somehow, happier and more confident about who you are and how you’re doing in the world.

Why am I going on about this, anyway?

Well, last week I watched as one of my children attempted to carry out a little task I’d asked them* to do. *(I use ‘them’ so as not to overly ID them when I mention them here).

They got in a muddle. There was more of a mess than there had been to start with. Eventually, they got it together and finished the job well enough.

It was comedic. They laughed, took it in their stride and we joked about the whole thing together.

It gave me a good feeling to see them not get frustrated or angry and to be able to laugh at the situation. I suppose, for such a tiny thing, it made me feel proud.

Just as they went off to do something else, I said ‘I love who you are, you know?’

And it struck me how good it would have been if someone had said that to me, when I was a kid.

It made me think that having the special things, that make you, you, noticed and celebrated is all part of laying those foundations of self - and being secure in who you are.

Does a sense of self start at home?

This is going to be different for everyone. I know that. I’m a journalist and I see every angle of every issue. (It’s actually really annoying).

But, regardless of whether it starts at ‘home’ or not, it definitely has to start in childhood.

My family said ‘I love you’ all the time. And still do.

But I’ve often wondered if those words are a bit, generic. They can become meaningless, if over used (I do also understand the impact it has when they’re never used at all - there’s journalist me again).

But what does saying ‘I love you’ really mean anyway?

OK, perhaps it will make the other person know they’re cared for, that they’re important. And that’s all good. But are we better off being specific? There’s much more value in that for the other person - especially a child.

There are a million ways we develop security in who we are, I know that.

What I can say is that it’s taken me a life time to work out who I am.

The idea that any of us ever do, fully, is up for debate, of course.

I’m getting there now. That’s why I can put these words out and not be too crippled by what people might think. Thankfully I give far, FAR, fewer f*cks about that than ever.

But I’ve always felt different in some way. And that’s meant that at times I’ve lacked a sense of belonging. That, in turn has affected my sense of self because I might have tried to be like others to fit in. I’m sure we’ve all done that to some extent.

But if I break my own example down, I think some of it is because I didn’t see the positive things that make me, me. For too long I focused on what I wasn’t, instead of what I was.

When I was a kid, I’m sorry to say (and I do think a lot of it was just due to the decade - 80s into the 90s) more was made of who I wasn’t, rather than who I was and how I could make the best of that.

There’s no blame laid in that at all. It’s all just a glance back with a ‘what if?’ sense of curiosity.

What am I trying to say?

I’ve grappled with this piece for days. I’ve consigned it to ‘drafts’ a dozen times. I’ve asked myself ‘Yeah, and….what’s your point?’

Alright….well, it’s about how we can build each other up - whether we’re parents and we’re thinking about how to boost our kids - or we’re friends, partners or colleagues. It’s about the power of our words, I suppose. Tell them why you love them. Tell them how good that thing they do, that only they do, is. Let them know how they make you feel. Tell them you see that thing about them that’s different and that you love them for it.

I tell my kids I love them all the time.

But when I said ‘I love who you are’ I could see, in my child’s face, how it landed so differently.

P

X

---

Developing your ‘you’ later on

What’s been great about having a more hard-fought sense of self is that I know the ways to tap into ‘me’ now, some of these include:

Listening to your gut -I’ve mentioned this before but if I’d done this more regularly I know I’d have moved more quickly into a life that was driven by me. Your gut knows, go with it. And each decision made by tuning into it, will give you that sharper sense of you and your own ability to drive your life in the right direction.

Taking compliments - For years, I found it painful to take a compliment, about anything! And if I was given one, I’d drive the idea of that complimented thing deep inside, tuck it away, instead of letting this element of myself shine. It meant that I dulled down so many of the things that made me, me.

Finding time for the things you love - How can you figure out who you are if you don’t spend time enjoying yourself? We tend to see our hobbies and the things we love as the bits we fit in around the rest of life, but I’m flipping that and it strengthens my sense of self, making me stronger in my decisions and clearer about who I am and what makes me tick.

Trying not to people please - When you people please you’re ignoring yourself. So many of us are people pleasers, I know. For me, this started in childhood for complex reasons that are for another time, but it’s deeply ingrained and I believe it has had a deep affect on my sense of self. If we’re forever worried about doing what others want, then we literally lose ourselves. I’m passionate about teaching my kids not to do this.

Developing healthy relationships - Good relationships, in all their forms have been the key to me finding a stronger sense of self and therefore living a life that’s driven by me. Because the right people celebrate and accept you and that stuff sticks. It helps you grow.

Being honest - This is SO hard and I still struggle with it every day. It’s not about lying, it’s about things like saying yes when you mean no, agreeing with people’s opinions when deep down you know what they’re saying should be challenged. It’s about putting up with mediocrity because you don’t want to offend, or avoiding confrontation at any cost. Usually the cost is to you and how you feel about yourself. Trying to find ways to be honest strengthens your understanding of who you are.

---

If you got something out of this bit of writing and feel you can support me with a paid subscription I would be absolutely over the moon! Take a look at the options here. You can bet your life that if you stretch to it, I’ll be in touch to tell you how it’s made me feel.