**You can listen to this via my recording here, instead, if you fancy? **
I’ve been super anxious about being away.
You didn’t notice? Oh…fair enough.
It’s funny isn’t it? We do get our knickers in twist about stuff that hasn’t even crossed anybody else’s mind.
I think back now over so many things that I thought people might be judging me on and say to myself ‘what a waste of energy, nobody cared’.
Like, the angst I had about my teenage acne. I walked around for years with my hand clamped around my jaw line to cover my spots and yet zero people gave a shite. They were all too busy worrying about their own faces.
So, although I might not have posted for a couple of weeks or so - life has taught me that it’s really no big deal, it will all be OK.
Years ago, I might have taken a break from something like this then decided I’d blown it. I couldn’t go back. Another project started and left to languish.
But now I know that the path to anything isn’t straight, or particularly speedy.
And I know that there really is no end goal, no final destination. Well there is, we all know exactly what that is, so that’s why there’s no point in all that knickers-in-a-twist business.
More and more I am reminded that….oh man, I’m going to have to say it and I’m sorry….but it’s all about the journey. I know, I know. It’s an over-used slightly icky phrase, but that’s cos it’s true isn’t it?
How else can we say it? Let’s come up with some other ways….life’s for living? Taken. Seize the day? Enjoy the ride?
Whatever, you know what I’m talking about.
The end goal of anything is a bit deflating, is all I’m trying to say.
I’d love to grow this space but there’s no one major ‘end goal’ for my Substack so there’s no point me worrying about not having posted for a while.
The best thing I can do is enjoy it, be honest (oh and I really want to be more honest - more on that soon) and pick up where I left off, in the hope that most people are still with me and will keep bringing some more along on the, oh God, yes, the journey….(soz).
But on this journey thing……I really felt that lesson yesterday.
Because yesterday should have been a big day.
I finally submitted my big, end of term assignment. A screenplay and an accompanying academic piece about the process of writing it, the latter of which was a total b*tch to write. I nearly didn’t make it. I came close to having to get an extension because the words wouldn’t come. With two days to go I had a couple of hundred words of nonsense, some post-it notes in text books, scrawled notes and a very jumbled mind.
Oh and it was the school holidays so I had the kids here too, jangling for my attention.
Somehow, it all came together. With a lot of support and a lot of coffee I pulled it together and submitted. I was 11 words under the maximum word count and had 30 minutes until the deadline.
I wanted to feel elated. I had imagined myself running around the house, whooping and saying ‘let’s go out for dinner!’
And yet…..
I felt flat. It was done. Over. Now what?
I didn’t even move from my screen. I browsed the internet for a bit. Kept checking back to see that yes, I had submitted, definitely. It had sent. No technical hiccups.
I remembered a book I had read that I left off my bibliography. Damn. I suddenly came up with a much better opening sentence and wondered why one earth the whole thing had seemed such a chore.
I shuffled into the kitchen. My head hurt. I took a pain killer and curled up to watch the Sewing Bee! (I’ve never even really watched it before).
I mean……..
All that upheaval, all that creativity, all that outpouring - that was the point. That was the bit to embrace and enjoy.
Ah well….remind me of all this as I now embark on my dissertation project, due at the end of August.
So, happy 1st of June - don’t even think about July or August and what the summer might hold.
Just be here now, doing the thing you’re doing on the way there.
I’m so glad to be back posting…..and this time, I do think there’ll be a touch of elation when I hit publish on this one.
See you for Sunday Glimmers tomorrow (June 2nd) and an exploration of honesty next week.
P
x
I noticed, though I've been out of action too. I've been keeping your emails ready for reading when in a slightly better state of health. Expect several comments in quick succession now!
I definitely missed your posts! Welcome back my cemetery-soul-mate 🤩